THE LETTER I DIDN'T WRITE

(But really wish I had)


Dear Mark and Di,

I gather from Jim that you have decided to leave us – indeed by the time you read this you probably will have gone. We will be sorry to lose you; your contributions to church life have meant so much to us.

You told Jim there were three things about St Columba’s-on-the-Rocks that persuaded you to leave. I will consider the first and perhaps come back to the other two in due course.

You said we were “unfriendly” and you gave as a typical example the way Mrs Livingstone never smiles and complains about the noise your children make. “Friendliness” is a strange thing. When we first enter a church the response at the door can be a make or break the experience of that church. During the first few months of your stay with us you remarked how friendly people had been. You, Mark, especially benefited from the coffee, hospitality and even meals from church folk while you looked for a house to bring the rest of the family to. I think it is fair to say that the greater proportion of people in your social circle now you are all settled in town is made up from members of this congregation.

But you are not new now. You are part of the fitments and fixtures of the place. People are not going out of their way to speak or invite you for a meal or involve you in activities because they see as part of “us”. It’s like family life – much of our relating to each other in a family goes on without us deliberately inviting each other – family is just there; we take each other for granted. It doesn’t mean there is no love within the family. It is simply that we assume certain ways of relating to each other. A small church is like that. People are just there and we take them for granted. Like a family, we don’t get to choose our fellow church members. (Oh how I wish Christians would understand this fundamental truth; in heaven we will be joined by such a rag-bag of individuals whom we would never choose to be friends on earth. Church is always going to have a dim reflection of heaven about its corporate life).

I will happily – no, I don’t mean happily; I will re-phrase – I will openly concede that it happens that people in church may be going through a difficult time and others in the fellowship do not recognise that they have cares and concerns. Perhaps your own lives are such that you do not want to be taken for granted – you feel a need to be given a hug by someone – be it a real or a metaphorical hug. Does this not happen in family life? Do you conclude that your family is not for you and you will go and find another? Surely that is the attitude of a 10-year old, not a mature adult.

Let me tell you a little about Mrs Livingstone which you don’t know (because few people do, because she doesn’t talk about it). She and Mr Livingstone had only been married for 3 years when he developed cancer. Modern medicine probably could have helped him but we are talking about 40-odd years ago. As he grew rapidly sicker she discovered she was pregnant. He died and 5 weeks after his death she gave birth to a beautiful, but still-born, little girl. In the dark-shadowed providence of God she never found another husband and so remains a widow to this day. She is of a generation and type of person that does not share feelings in the way that you do. I don’t think it is unfair to say that deep down she is still somewhat bitter and resentful of people who enjoy happy family lives. What is amazing is that she exercises a strong commitment to Christ. But still, after all these years, she bears something of a grudge and this emerges in her nippiness with other people and their children. She possibly has treated you badly – but then we all treat each other badly. However, you cannot judge a whole congregation on one person’s failing. Would you like people to take one of your worst weaknesses and make it a yardstick by which all your life and the life of those you associate with are judged?

What I am trying to say is that I fear that in the matter of Christian “fellowship” (whatever that jargon word means) you are setting a high ideal for us to meet and I do not think we will ever find that high quality fellowship you crave because a congregation is a collection of people who are sinners by nature and alienated from each other by the fall. To varying degrees the Holy Spirit is doing his recreating, sanctifying work in us, but none of us is perfect. When you were part of Central Baptist in your last home city you were part of a company of some 800 or so on a Sunday morning. Now you are, or have been, in company of 80. Gone is the ability to pick and chose whom you will have as friends. The biblical model has changed. You are now no longer coming to the great assembly of the faithful; you are part of a rather small and isolated branch of the family of God where the smallness of the company emphasises the warts and wrinkles of us all. It is different and it can be difficult. Maybe it is too difficult for you.

I have already written too much but I will write again about the other “issues” you have with us.

Neil